I finally took the time to write out my birth story. Thankfully I wrote a lot of it out in the first few days I was home or I probably would have forgotten most of the details.
I had decided from the very beginning that I would give birth naturally. No epidural, no pitocin, all me. When I told people they would always laugh and say I wouldn’t make it, that I would give in. I knew that I wouldn’t and I didn’t. Josh and I prepared for this labor starting several months in advance by participating in Hypno-birthing classes. I started early so that I could practice these techniques for most of my pregnancy. Through this class I learned to work with my body to relax through the stress and discomfort and to prepare mentally and physically. I feel that this had a lot to do with the ease of my pregnancy and labor. I went into it with no expectations or fears and had been consistently visualizing a smooth outcome.
My husband helped me to work through my prior issues and pre-conceived ideas about labor and birth so that I was ready to calmly except whatever turn my birthing would take.
Many people ask me why I wanted to birth intervention and med-free. I wasn't trying to prove anything to anyone else but it was something that I really wanted to try. In a way I wanted to prove to myself that I was capable of doing it. I think of it this way; some people really want to run a marathon. They set a goal, practice and train in preparation and then they do it! I have absolutely no interest in running…whatsoever! But for some people that is a personal goal and something that would be a very big accomplishment for them. That is how I feel about med-free or "natural" birthing. Others may not be interested and that is totally ok. It was a personal goal I had for myself and both Josh and I felt very strongly about it. That doesn't mean that it is for everyone! I would never judge anyone for wanting to do it differently as it is a very personal decision. No one has the right to tell you how you should bring your baby into this world or what is right for your body.
This was only about Josh and I birthing in a way that was comfortable for us.
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I apologize in advance. It's pretty long.
Josh and I went to bed early on August 8th. We had the carpets cleaned that day and had set up fans in the basement to help them dry. (Talk about good timing). Looking back I remember feeling "different" on this day. I had been having Braxton hicks since week 18 but they had been particularly uncomfortable and strong all day. We spent some time at the park with friends that evening and I had done a lot of walking. I was uncomfortable, hot, and "ready to be done."
Around 11:00 p.m I started having some strong cramping that was fairly consistent. I assumed it was Braxton hicks and was use to being uncomfortable at night so I didn't think too much of it.
I was pretty sure that it was false labor since it was a week early. (All of my midwives had me convinced me that the baby would be late. "You won't be on time so don't get your hopes up!" and "Expect her to come at least one to two weeks late!") I stayed in bed for about an hour and then decided to get up and poke around online since I couldn't sleep. I read some forums to see what others had experienced but I was still unsure if I was in labor. The internet just made me more confused so I went back to bed.
These surges went on for a few hours and never faded. I was becoming more restless and I noticed that I would sort of fidget my legs during surges so after a while I started timing them on my cell phone. I found that they were about 10 minutes apart and lasted about 60 seconds. At this point I kind of just decided that I was really in labor. I let Josh know that it might be the "real deal" but to go back to sleep and I would keep him posted. My Braxton Hicks had never been consistent this way or this strong. Around 2:00 a.m I checked again and they were close to 5 minutes apart feeling a bit stronger and lasting about 2 minutes. Josh rubbed my back while I focused my breathing and tried to relax.
I let Josh go back to sleep and I got in a warm shower. It was vey relaxing to just stand there for a bit. I got out and knelt on the floor at our bedside for a while and then got back in a warm bath. (I was back and forth a lot haha).
At about 4:00 a.m. we started trying to page the midwife on call. Her pager didn't seem to be working. That was a bit frustrating. I just wanted to know if I should stay put or not.
We tried about three times and then decided to wait and call the office when it opened in the morning.
Josh continued to rub my back and I knelt on the floor resting my head on the bed, breathing through the surges.
We tried the office at about 7:30 and the receptionist finally got a hold of the midwife and told her to meet us at the hospital. Her pager had apparently been malfunctioning all night. I wasn't the only person who couldn't get through.
We got to the hospital around 8:00 a.m. (We conveniently only live about three blocks away. Just two stop lights) so the drive was super fast. I had to stop in the hallway a few times to breath through some surges on the way to the front desk. Josh would kind of laugh because I am not the kind of person that makes noise when I am in pain or uncomfortable so he didn't notice me stop until he turned around and I was still down the hall holding on to the railing. He stayed right close with me after that. They took us into labor and delivery to see how I was progressing and determine wheither I should stay or not. Things had been really quiet that morning so I was lucky to get the room with the jet tub. (There is only one and they try to save it for the "natural" birthers. There are a lot of us here in Utah and August is a busy baby month).
I was dilated to about a 4 and was 95% effaced. They told us we could stay and checked us in. I was very happy about this. I did not want to go a whole three blocks all the way home again. "We are here! Let's do this!"
I changed into the hospital gown and rested on the bed in the labor and delivery room.
Around noon my surges were moving to about 3-5 minutes apart lasting 2 minutes each. My nurse came in to check me every 30 minutes between surges. At one point they put in the hep lock which (funny enough) actually really hurt! Josh was surprised when he heard me say "Ouch!" as they were putting it in. I hadn't complained much abut surges or anything up until this point but I'm not a fan of needles, especially in your hand! Ouch! My surges continued on into the afternoon. Josh rubbed my lower back with a baseball and rubbed my shoulders while I rested. My midwife was amazing and super encouraging! She was there most of the time with Josh to help me through the breathing. She would remind me to relax my face or relax my shoulders and would say uplifting things like "You are doing so well!"
As the day went on she had me waddle walk across the room with Josh holding me from behind. I would sway through each surge. I was not happy about her making me get up and move. I just wanted to lay there but I knew it would help move things along so I consented and just took baby steps. Josh was amazing and held me the entire time. Jen (our midwife) was just so awesome. She kept saying “You look perfect, you don’t even need my help you are amazing!!” I heard her say to Josh at one point “She doesn’t even look like she’s contracting, she looks like she is asleep!” I thought that was funny because I was certainly not sleeping! She brought me ice chips and let Josh sneak me peices of cheese. (This hospital doesn't like you to eat during labor and I probably couldn't have even if I had wanted to but the cheese really helped! I needed a little something. Labor is a lot of work! Who would have thought!?)
Later in the day she had me squat in the big jet tub. That was a-mazing and I highly recommend this! (Next time I might consider a water birth.) Many times, I would completely fall asleep in between the contractions. I knew this was a saving grace because it felt like it was never going to end. After a few hours I got out, paced the room again and then got back in bed and lay on my side. I overheard Jen say “She should be the poster child for hypno-birthing! I have seen hypno-birthers before but I have never seen someone this relaxed.” I am sure she was saying that just to encourage me but it made me feel good and empowered me to continue. Josh couldn't tell when I was contracting which was funny to me because I felt like every inch of my body would surely show it.
I felt really bad because she would ask me questions and I heard her ask them but I couldn’t even open my mouth to respond. I was in my zone and I couldn’t break my concentration for even a second. (I apologized to her after for blatantly ignoring her but obviously she understood haha. I really did feel bad though!) Hearing her say such positive things was helpful and encouraging even if I couldn't tell her so. She just kept reminding me that I am strong. Josh was really great at helping me to relax using the hypno-birthing prompts. He would say things like “You are totally relaxed, your face is soft and your breathing is calm and fluid. Your limbs are limp beside you and your neck and shoulders release any tension. Deep relaxing breaths...” it sounds cheesy but it was unbelievably helpful. (Keep in mind we had practiced these relaxation techniques so I was use to these prompts, and used them to sink deeper into relaxation. Much like yoga!) He couldn't really tell when I was having a surge without looking at the screen, only my breathing would change. Whenever he would stop to watch for a contraction on the screen he would say "Ok, here comes a surge!" I thought that was funny. I wanted to say "You don't say?" Haha.
We were laboring all day so he was in charge of informing the family and keeping everyone up to date. His parents were in Montana at the time and mine were on their way from Alberta and in Spokane.
Josh would rub my back between surges and press a baseball into my lower back as counter pressure during surges. It was interesting to me that while it felt like time was dragging on and on, every time I looked up at the clock several more hours had passed. The entire thing went so slow and so fast at the same time.
The surges increased to every two minutes lasting two minutes. This is when it started getting really, really intense. I wouldn't necessarily call it "pain" but super intense pressure and uncomfortable tightening through your torso. My lower back was pretty achey. The surges before this point would spike to about a six and then release down to around a three. Now they were spiking off the chart and would only relax down to about an eight so it never really felt like a break in between surges. Josh continued to help me breath through the surges reminding me to keep my face relaxed and to breath slowly. I really had to focus through these ones. When you start to tense up your surges kind of overlap on top of each other and then you begin to panic. If you can keep your breath calm and deep they are so much easier to manage! I would forget to breath and tense up so having Josh remind me was incredibly helpful.
At this point the nurse came back in to check me and found that I was only at a six but 100% effaced. I was really discouraged by that as I had been in labor all night and most of the day. Around this time I started to hit my limit. I told Josh that if they come back in an hour to check me and I wasn't any more progressed that I might consider getting something. I was so darn tired! I was using every last drop of energy to breath through these surges and I really just wanted to sleep. It is so mentally draining!
The nurse came back in and told me that my water had broken. I was a little bit skeptic because I only felt a little bit of water and I had been waiting for it to break all day. I was so focused so I figured I must not have noticed. (I wish now that I had said something because I really didn't think so.) I told her I was considering "getting something". She told me that at this point an epidural probably wasn't the best idea and that it would really slow things down since I was getting so close. She said she could give me something else to take the edge off. I reluctantly said "ok", but when Jen came back in she convinced me otherwise. She said that it can make the baby really lethargic and can really drag out the process. I was so close so she would hate to put me on something so far along. I agreed. I’m so glad that they talked me out of it! It didn't take much coaxing as I really wanted to see it through to the end without meds. It is so true what everyone had told me before that when you get to the point where you feel like you can’t do it anymore you are really close to being done!
They came back literally a half hour later and I was at a nine and ready to push! The nurse told my midwife that my water had already broken so we got ready to breath the baby down.
My eyes had been closed pretty much the entire time up until this point, so when I opened them I was amazed to see how the room had transformed. There were all kinds of tables below and around me with a lot of tools and equipment. It sort of blew my mind because I didn’t ever notice the twenty people who came in to set up. (There weren’t really that many but it looked like there must have been!) I didn't hear a thing! Josh helped me move onto my left side and held one of my legs back. Rachel my nurse (who was awesome) held back my right leg. They tipped the bed up so I could use gravity to my advantage.
Jen helped me get into the swing of "pushing". I timidly gave a little "push" and then stopped like: "Ok, I pushed!"Haha. Jen was super sweet but I still find it funny. She said “Ok...that was umm...pretty good. I can tell that you are maybe, kind of holding back just a little. Do you think maybe you are a little bit afraid to push?” Translation: "What the heck? You call that a push?" lol. I admitted that I was afraid to push. It is a new sensation (the urge to push) and even though things had been intense I was just now starting to fear pain. She reassured me that it wouldn’t be that bad and that the hardest part was already over. That helped me to relax and I gave it my best effort to push better the next time. I was amazed at how natural and actually relieving it was to push.
(The best way I can explain it is like this. When you have the flue and you are heaving (gross I know but bare with me) you can’t help it! You don’t want to throw up and you are out of energy but you have to and you have no control over it. Heaving (or pushing) is like a convulsion. Your body just sort of takes over. You would think you were done for a second and then there would be another one. It is amazing how your body takes control and sort of does this part for you.
Jen was amazing for this part as well. She was almost laughing when I would push because (apparently) I am a pro at it. (Or at least she wanted me to think I was... haha) She was like “Good! Good! That was so good!” I remember being kind of annoyed at one point thinking “If that was so good then why is nothing happening?!” Things were progressing but I didn’t think pushing would take this long and it felt like it was taking forever!
They put me on oxygen which really, really helped. I would kind of forget to breath sometimes. I had been pushing for almost 45 minutes when Jen checked to see where the baby was positioned. She was shocked to see that my water had not actually broken. (Just as I thought!) It had just been a little gush before and we were just going off what the nurse had said. She said it would go a lot faster with my water broken and was nervous about the fact that we had been pushing with it still intact. She broke my water for me and immediately noticed the Meconium. She looked at me and said “Ok Kassi it’s time to meet your baby! I need you to push now!” I gave it my all, with every ounce of energy I had left. There was a lot of pressure. (Like really, really strong crazy pressure!) I never felt any sort of sharp pain at all but it was really intense. I kept waiting for it but it didn't really hurt.
I remember Josh at one point saying “OH MY GOSH!” Breaking my concentration I looked at him “what? WHAT?” Then he says “She has a LOT of hair!” I wanted to hit him! Haha. I remember them asking me if I wanted a mirror but by this point I was too tired to care so I said no. (I really wish I had looked now.) The last couple of pushes took every last drop of energy (to say the least) but still not as bad as I had imagined. I wasn't even noticing the surges anymore. With one last, big, long push, at 5:33 PM, I pushed that little baby girl into this world and it was an absolute miracle. All the discomfort melted away.
They plopped her onto my belly and Jen said “Kassi look at your baby!” I touched her and I got to look down at her for what felt like a half a second when they said “Ok dad cut the cord! Dad, cut it NOW!” Josh cut the cord and in a rush of people and machines they whisked her off to the side to clean out her lungs and try to get her breathing. I didn't see her again for an hour and half. I was not happy about that. There was no crying and everything was really quiet. I could feel the anxiety in the room and it was really traumatic for me. Thy kept telling me “She’s not breathing!” and “This isn’t good!” so naturally I was beside myself trying to get a glimpse of her through all of the people. I was not happy about them cutting the cord like that and we had previously discussed leaving it intact if something went wrong. But things had just happened so fast I didn’t get a chance to say otherwise. Everyone was rushing around and I didn't know what was going on.
Jen was stitching me up because I had torn just a tiny bit. (Only two stitches), but I was bleeding more then they liked. That was sort of funny. She said “Ok i need to put in just a few stitches, but I am really impressed you did so well and hardly tore at all!”
All I could think to say was "Is it going to hurt?” Jen looked at me like "are you serious?" and then started laughing. She says “you’re joking right...? I’m pretty sure you won’t even notice!” I realized that was a dumb thing to ask. I just spent 18 1/2 hours in labor and then pushed a human being out of my body. My needle phobia is real folks!
So, they were working on me, and I could see my baby in the corner surrounded by people. One of the nurses came over and explained that they were having trouble getting her lungs to work properly. (Duh! You cut off her oxygen supply!) They said it wasn’t good and that they needed to take her to the NICU. Now I was really freaking out and I started sobbing. I kept asking them if she was going to be ok but no one would answer me and they all ran out the door. Josh kissed my head and I told him to go with them and to stay with the baby! I was still kind of freaking out this point. Jen finished stitching me up and gave me something to help control the bleeding. Apparently I was bleeding a lot but she had to rush out because someone was about to deliver at the other hospital.
I was sad i didn’t get to talk to her more. (I felt we had bonded lol. We just delivered a baby together...shouldn’t we like hang out or something?) I’m pretty sure that I am going to hug her when I see her at my six week appointment. Haha.
Anyways, the nurse was cleaning things up and I was trying to occupy my mind with someone else so that I could calm down. I asked her if i could see the placenta. I apologized for asking such a weird question but I needed to take my mind of things and she was like “Oh of course you totally should see it!” It sounds disgusting but it was pretty freaking awesome! It kind of looks like a large liver. I was amazed that I never noticed the "delivery" if you will. She showed me the lining the baby was inside of and where the cord was. So cool! I was kind of intrigued so it helped me to take my mind off my baby in the NICU for about half a second. Then I went back to panicking.
At this point the shaking started. Some people get this weird adrenaline rush at the end of labor and afterwords your body sort of freaks out. I could not. stop. shaking! They brought me three different heated blankets but it was uncontrollable. They finished cleaning me up and then they brought in this ridiculously huge tray of food. I remember thinking "My baby is in the NICU trying to breath and you expect me to eat!!??" Food had been the last thing on my mind and I was still freaking out but when they put that tray in front of me it’s like the animal in me came out. I hadn’t eaten in 24 hours and had just endured the most intense full body work out of my life. I was ravenous! lol. I pretty much inhaled the food! When I was done I realized Josh hand’t eaten and asked if he had been fed. He hadn’t but they told him he could go down to the cafeteria. That felt like an injustice since he had also endured 24 hours without food and I immediately felt bad that I hadn't saved him any. (It is really hard to feed yourself when you are shaking that badly but it calmed down after an hour or so).
Finally after what felt like had been hours Josh came back with my baby. They put her skin to skin on my chest and told me that they still needed to watch her closely. She was still having a hard time breathing but she was stable. I held her close on my chest and admired my absolutely beautiful baby girl. So much dark hair! (She had more hair than I could have imagine but I knew that she wouldn't be bald because of how much hair Josh and I had at birth.)
She was making the most miserable noise I have ever heard. Kind of a moan/groan on the exhale. When they brought her to me the nurse said "Listen to me! She isn't cooing or being cute. She is trying to breathe! If anything changes or you see her nostrils flaring, page me immediately!" I just wanted to kiss her and make her feel better. You could really tell she was struggling. It was such a sad, pitiful sound. I felt so bad for her! I just couldn’t believe how gorgeous she was! I just held her and cried.
Eventually her breathing normalized and everything was fine.
Thankfully they had only kept her in the NICU for an hour and a half. Josh said while he was in there that she held onto his pointer fingers with both of her hands the entire time. While they were working on her it wasn’t looking very good at one point so he slipped his hands through all of the nurses and put them on her head to give her a silent blessing. Almost immediately she started to come around and that is when they brought her back to me. They were originally planning to keep her over night! I am eternally grateful for the priesthood and the gospel knowledge that we have!! We both know that because of that power she was able to recover much more quickly. Such a comfort knowing the Lord hears and answers prayers and that the priesthood can be used anywhere!
Josh told me that while he was in the NICU he had the biggest scare of his life. He had left me to go with the baby and the last thing he heard was “she is bleeding too much!” I made him go with the baby. While they were working on Clara all of the alarms started going off in the hospital. About ten nurses were sprinting down the hall towards my room. He was freaking out and said “what room? WHAT ROOM???” Thankfully it was the room two doors down from mine. It made us both feel incredibly lucky but truly very sad that someone else was in trouble. He of course was relieved it wasn’t me.
Almost gave him a heart attack!
We spent the next two days holding and kissing on our precious baby girl! We had to stay an extra day to make sure she was breathing and eating properly. She had some trouble learning to nurse but she eventually got the hang of it. Throughout our stay random nurses would come in the room and say "So you're the one who did the drug free delivery!?" or "I heard you didn't even scream!" or "That was you? You're so young!" I guess most of them have never seen a natural delivery. Our nurses were absolutely wonderful! We had such a great experience at this hospital.
We didn't have very many visitors. We wanted to make sure Clara was doing ok and just enjoy the time as a new family. Also, they wouldn't let me take a shower until they took the heplock out which was really annoying. I was pretty gross for a day and half. (They have to get permission from the midwife on call and they couldn't contact her). I was about to rip the dang thing out myself!
Her eating situation was a bit stressful so having visitors would have made it more difficult. Josh's parents were still out of town but my mom, step dad and aunt were able to come spend the day with us at the hospital.
My mom and Craig stayed with us for an entire week. Mom was absolutely amazing during that
first week! She would take Clara between feedings for me so that we could sleep. Clara has been really colicky especially during the night. (First couple months of her life). Mom knew all the tips and tricks and was always able to get her to settle. I don't know what I would have done without her that first week! (I love you mom! Thank you so much for all of your help. You are the best mom ever and I hope I can be even half the mom that you are!)
I really learned a lot about myself through this whole experience. It was definitely the hardest thing I have ever done in my life.
I never ever considered myself a strong person either mentally or physically. I aways felt that I fell short in almost everything that I did and I've always had trouble believing in myself and my capabilities.
I have never experienced any real physical
pain and therefore I never knew what I could tolerate or what I was capable of enduring.
I have come to realize that I am so much stronger than I ever gave myself credit for! It was mind blowing to me that I never knew that I had this in me. I am strong! I never knew that about myself and I feel like a whole knew person! I know now that I can handle anything that comes my way. I know that I can do hard things! I will never be the same. I am a mom. I know my capabilities and I know that I am strong. I feel unstoppable! For me these are ground breaking things to learn about myself.
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| Sorry about the language. I found this on pinterest at had to laugh! |
I am so grateful for this experience and for my beautiful baby girl. She has changed my life in so many ways. I love her more than life itself and I am so excited to see where it takes us. Life is beautiful and it truly has a whole new meaning for me. My life is my baby. I am all about her. It is both wonderful and terrifying to be needed in this way but I am loving every second of it.
I feel truly grateful for my life and my experiences. I have a wonderful, amazing, strong and helpful husband and a wonderful little baby that we created. She is the one thing in my life that I have made that is absolutely perfect in every way. Heavenly Father had a huge hand in that but I feel blessed every day that he entrusted us with his precious, beautiful child. Life is wonderful!
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| We sure love our sweet Clara Jane! |
